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Monday 30th March
All he ever says is words, but they don’t mean anything. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t understand what I’m going through. I’ve told him so many times but he doesn’t listen. And writing them in here isn’t going to help. He’s still only going to think I’m making everything up, and he only wants to be with me when I pretend that I’m happy.
But I’m not. It’s all black. It’s all pain. It’s all hopeless. How can I pretend to be happy when he’s telling me just how amazing his life is? His perfect life now he’s away from us.
And it’s not Mum’s fault. I’m just like she was when she was my age. And she had to move us up here. She didn’t have anyone to help her when we were down in East Grinstead. So she had to move back here so that she had family close to help. If Dad cared about anyone but himself then he’d understand, but he just blames everyone else and never listens to what I want.
He wanted to come back in again yesterday but I couldn’t bear to hear him tell me one more time that I just need to be positive. So Mum told him that I couldn’t have more visitors because it was too much for me and that I just needed to rest. And now I won’t see him for another eleven days.
I didn’t tell Mum about the journal. I hid it under the covers on my bed before she came back in. I don’t want her trying to get me to write as well. It’s all stupid and pointless. But I’m just on my own with the curtain around my bed. I might as well write. It’s not like there is anything else to do here.
Except I don’t know what to write and I’m tired. I just want to curl up and sleep.
Tuesday 31st March
I wish I hadn’t told Kate about it. She thinks it’s a good idea. She said writing down my thoughts will help me to release my emotions and worry. But what does she know? She’s never felt like this.
Dad told me on Saturday that the doctors had said that she shouldn’t come in. He said that he would cancel the sessions, but Mum knows that I need her and thinks she is much better than the hospital councillor here. They’re all the same though. They just want me to talk but no one makes anything better. How is talking going to help my leg?
And Kate wants me to write a poem for our session next week. She only said that because it’s what my dad said he did. I hate poems. It’s so stupid. So unfair.
I should have started writing earlier but I was so angry. And now Mum has gone I’m too tired to think. Maybe I’ll write more in the morning.
Wednesday 1st April
Pinch, punch, first of the month.
Mum said I’ll wake up at home with a big kiss and cuddle from her next time we have a new month.
I don’t want to see everyone.
I just want everyone to leave me alone.
I just want to roll up and sleep.
At least I can sleep now, not like before. Mum says that the melatonin is useless and so she gives me some herbal vitamin relaxing sleeping pills before she leaves and brings the hospital ones back with her.
Can’t write any more.
Thursday 2nd April
Hydrotherapy was horrible today and Angela said that I just wasn’t trying, but I am so much. I’m so tired and my legs really hurt. And it’s still another two hours before Mum will be in. Julie just gave me a big cuddle when she brought my lunch but then she had to go. It’s a cheese sandwich and an apple and yoghurt. She wants me to have finished it all by the time she gets back, but she won’t get cross. Not like all the other nurses.
Mum doesn’t think the nurses are very good here. She’s been a nurse for years and says the ones here don’t know very much. She says they don’t have enough experience with people like me. I’m going to be a nurse when I’m older as well. I’m going to help look after all the sick children.
It’s Lily and Daisy’s last day in school today before the Easter holidays. Mum said she may bring them in with her. They should be having fun and not being in hospital with me. I wish I was just little like them. They don’t even remember what it was like before.
Friday 3rd April
Why is it called Good Friday? It’s not good.
I want to go home for the weekend but I’m not allowed. I’ve got to stay here. Mum says that she’ll bring Easter Eggs in but it won’t be the same. I wanted to help her hide them in the garden for Lily and Daisy to do an Easter Egg hunt. I won’t be able to do anything here. They’ll have the hunt at home and then they’ll come in. I don’t even want the chocolate. I don’t want anyone to come in.
And Mum said that she may bring Hayley in on Sunday as well. I don’t want to see her. It’s her birthday and she’ll only gloat about how many presents she got and how great her boyfriend is. He’s stupid anyway.
Everyone came in today. Lily and Daisy were quite cute and they made me a get well card with pictures of daffodils. Mum even brought in real daffodils as well. She said it would cheer my mood up. She says that she really likes getting fresh flowers. They make me really happy. They’re so pretty. I might draw them tomorrow. Julie said that she would be in tomorrow and she could help me.
Mummy is coming in again tomorrow. She was supposed to be going with Kevin to one of his friends weddings but she said she wanted to be with me instead. I don’t think Kevin was very happy but he didn’t say anything. He’s always really good with us, and never shouts. Mummy does though, especially at Lily and Daisy for messing around so much. They can never sit still, not like me. Mummy says that she loves just sitting and chilling with me. And it’s the weekend so I won’t have hydrotherapy and we can just chill all day!
Saturday 4th April
I don’t care.
Writing is stupid.
No one reads it. No one listens. No one understands.
There is just me.
Mum hates me. Dad doesn’t care. I have no friends.
I’m Alone. I’m Useless. I’m Hurting.
There’s just me and my stupid journal.
Maybe I’ll come back from the dead tomorrow.
Maybe I won’t.
Sunday 5th April
I can’t believe Mum brought Hayley in. I told her I didn’t want to see anyone. I bet it was just so she could go out with Carol for a coffee together. Hayley seemed really grumpy about it as well. She was all smiles when her mum was there, but as soon as they went she just sat down in a sulk and started eating Easter eggs.
She said she had had hundreds of them, and she got hair curlers for her birthday and her mum was going to let her get the top of her ears pierced as well. My mum said I can get mine done when I’m eighteen, even though Hayley is getting them now and she’s six months younger than me. Why should I have to wait another five and a half years? Hayley had a sleepover for her birthday last night. She said they stayed up until five and that it was just as well that I wasn’t there because they were watching horror films and that I’d be scared. I’m glad I’m here and didn’t have to go.
After Mum took Carol and Hayley back Kevin came in with Lily and Daisy. They gave me a load of their Easter eggs that they had found in the garden. They were really sweet. Kevin said that they were all going to Grandma Margret’s house for tea. She’s Kevin’s mum and is really nice.
I was tired after they left and just slept and watched telly. Dad sent me a text and tried to call but I was too tired to speak. Mummy said he would have come in and seen me if he had wanted to, but it’s not his weekend so he didn’t.
Monday 6th April
Kate comes in again tomorrow. I’d forgotten that I had to write a poem. Mum reminded me when she came in. I hate poems! Mummy said that she would help me but I just got cross with her. I know she only wanted to help and I feel really bad that I made her upset. We had a big hug before she left though so I think she was alright.
I’ve been trying to write it since Mum left and that was hours ago. It’s called ‘Dear Diary’. So, my journal, what do you think?
What am I even supposed to write in here?
About my life and my every fear?
You want me to lay bare my soul?
Is that it, Diary, is that your goal?
Like an orange that you want to peel,
You want to get inside me and see how I feel?
Well, I won’t.
I’m not playing.
I won’t keep on this path.
Dear Diary, it’s over,
You were never going to last!
Tuesday 7th April
Kate loved my poem. She said it really showed my feelings. Shows what she knows! I only did it as a stupid joke. Now she wants me to do another one for next week. Agghhh!
And I’ve got to start going to hospital school tomorrow, even though everyone at my school is on Easter holiday. The doctor today said that I have to start mixing with the other patients and that there is space for me now. I hate this. Why can’t I just be on my own. No one likes me here anyway.
I’ll probably not write anymore. I can’t do this and have school classes. I get too tired with all my therapy and hydrotherapy and that’s not going to stop. I can’t do school as well. I’m not going to go. At least Dad should be happy I’ve written something in his stupid journal and I’ll have something to tell him at the weekend.
Wednesday 8th April
Mum rubbed some new oils on my legs this evening. She said it would help them feel better but they sting so much. Can’t sleep but can’t stay awake.
Thursday 9th April
Angela was cross again with me in the pool. I can’t help that it hurts so much. And then Claire made me go on the bike in physio and I could hardly move the pedals. She wants me to wear shorts next time so that she can see my legs, but I don’t want anyone to see them. Mum thought they were less swollen though and she put the cream on again, and gave me an antihistamine to help with the stinging.
School was ok. I did more drawing. I’m getting really good at drawing flowers. Vicki said it was really good. She’s another patient and is older than me. She’s so skinny and pretty, and she had a beautiful scarf on her head. She said she’d bring some of her watercolour pastels into school tomorrow and I can borrow them. She’s so kind.
I’m going to do a picture for Mummy. She said she can’t wait for me to go home and that I might be able to go out with her for a bit at the weekend. And she said that she’d stay with me all the time so I don’t have to worry about seeing Dad on my own. I might be ok to sit with him for half an hour though, as long as he doesn’t start having a go at me again. Mum said she’d send him an email and tell him that he’s got to just come for a bit.
Friday 10th April
Can’t go home.
Can’t even concentrate on tv.
I just hate being me.
Saturday 11th April
Dad came in with the girls today. Mum took them down to the cafe whilst Dad sat with me. He looked so sad. I wish he could just make everything better. I couldn’t talk to him though. What can I say? He hugged me though and that was nice. Why can’t he be here and make everything better? Why doesn’t he love me anymore?
Mum gave me extra pills to take to help me sleep because I was so upset and anxious afterwards. She said she’d take them too and we can be together in our dreams. I just want to sleep and sleep forever.
Sunday 12th April
There’s a baby in the bay next to me now. I think his name is Peter, but I don’t know why he’s here. I’m the oldest on this ward. Why do I get stuck with all the babies?
Lily and Daisy thought he was really cute and they kept on going to look at him. They came in with Dad after lunch. Dad brought in chocolates and flowers that Lily and Daisy had helped to choose. They still had wet hair after swimming and were going to go and stay at Grandma and Grandad’s house for a few days after leaving me. I wish I was going instead of having to go to school here. Mum was really angry because she thought he should be here with me and it made me cry. We sat on the bed together and watched Corrie and that made her happy. She ate some of the chocolates and didn’t notice that I put mine at the side of the bed. She doesn’t notice anything when Corrie is on. It’s so good. She says that I’ve known it since before I was born because she watched it when she was pregnant with me, and that’s why I like it so much. I love all of the soap operas, but Corrie is the best, and she gave me a big cuddle before she left.
Monday 13th April
I’m so tired. I didn’t sleep at all last night because Peter just kept on screaming. Why do I have to have a baby next to me? I bet it’s because they all think I’m a baby for being here. I’m not though. I’m going to be thirteen in exactly six months. I can’t wait until I’m a teenager and not stupid twelve anymore. I can’t wait until I can do exactly what I want.
I had to do hydro, physio and school today. It was all horrible. I had to play stupid catch in the pool with Angela and she kept on throwing it so I’d fall over and get my hair wet. And then Claire made me change into shorts for physio and kept on and on about my legs looking more red and swollen, but Mum thinks they are looking better. Vicki wasn’t in school this afternoon so I was all on my own. I hope she’s in tomorrow and we can do more painting together. And now I’ve got to write another stupid poem for my session with Kate tomorrow. How about this?
The world is black like the ink in this pen.
The staff keep clucking like a demented farm hen.
I wish I could fly like a cute little wren,
Instead of being stuck in this stupid hospital den.
And now I’ll change to a pen that is green.
I’ll lie back here and have a dream.
A dream that one day I’ll be skinny and lean,
That life will be amazing when I become a teen.
And how about blue?
I haven’t a clue!
I’m fed up of being treated like I’m only two.
They’ll probably start coming with me when I go to the loo!
And lastly I’ll change to red,
Given I’m still stuck here in this hospital bed.
I’ll look at tomorrow with a feeling of dread,
Some days I think I’d be better just being dead.
Tuesday 14th April
Kate loved the poem. She’s stupid! I only wrote it because I didn’t know what else to put. Mum told me that Kate was really impressed with me. I don’t know why. I don’t do anything. She thinks if I’m saying things then everything will get better but nobody actually knows.
I had school after the session with Kate and now Vicki will think I’m horrible as well. I used her paints but just did big marks in black and didn’t talk at all. She draw a beautiful bunch of flowers and I just painted black and then flicked red paint over the top, but it splashed on hers as well and I ruined it. She said it was fine but I knew she was mad.
Mum just sat with me and cuddled me. She said everything would be fine and I’ve just got to trust her but I don’t see how everything is going to ever be good again.
Wednesday 15th April
Why am I here?
The doctors say it’s a problem in my head. They make me do physio and hydro but they just think I’m mad. How can my head make my legs not work? Why am I a freak? Why can’t I be like everyone else.
Why are we here anyway? What’s the point in life? Eat, sleep, work, have children and make them do the same. I don’t want any of that anyway. I’d rather be a cat. I miss Polly.
Thursday 16th April
The only good thing is that it got me out of hydro. Why do I have to go through this every month? Mummy brought me in a hot water bottle and some extra tablets that she says helps her. I still had to do physio and Claire didn’t care at all. She just told me to get on with it. She must know what it’s like so why is she so unfair? Mummy thinks she looks like a man so maybe she’s not really Claire. Uggh, that’s so creepy.
Friday 17th April
I’m not allowed to go home at the weekend again. They’ll let me out for a couple of hours each day but that’s it. Mummy said we can go for a coffee and to the shops tomorrow, and maybe for pizza on Sunday, but I don’t want to see anyone. Vicki said she’d come up and paint with me or play a game. She’s got an iPad with loads of games. She’s got so many cool things. I hope she comes up.
Saturday 18th April
It’s 11 am and no one has bothered to come in yet.
No one cares about me.
I’m just a drain on everyone.
Julie even got cross with me. She told me to just eat my breakfast and to stop complaining and then she stood over me with her arms crossed and she watched me with a scowl until I’d finished all of the stupid corn flakes. She then just took my tray and didn’t even say anything else.
9 pm. Mummy has just left. It was after lunch when she arrived. She said she’d been out with Kevin last night and that they had slept in. It’s a lie anyway because Lily and Daisy would never let them sleep in late. We all went out for coffee and everyone was looking at me because I’m a freak. Daisy kept hitting my leg and then laughing with Lily, and Mummy was on her phone more than she was talking with me. Vicki came up when we got back but Mummy said that we were having family time so I had to do drawing with Lily and Daisy instead and they were just doing stupid scribbling. I hate hydro and physio and school but at least it is better than a Saturday.
Sunday 19th April
Vicki came up to me this morning and she brought her watercolour paints up with her. She helped me to draw a rose that looks really life-like. I gave it to Mum when she came in and it made her cry. She said that I was so special to her and that I’d always be her wonderful baby, but she didn’t mean it like I was a baby, just that I was special to her. She said I was the most amazing thing in her world and then she just hugged me and cried. She said they were tears of sadness because I was in hospital and not with her, but also happiness because we had each other for ever. She said she hoped when I grow up that I’d live next door to her and we can chat and go for coffee all the time, and she’d be there to help with my children. Her mum died before I was even born so it’s been really hard for Mum, but she said it will be great for us living next door to each other and never being far apart. I told her that I wanted to be a nurse here and she said I’d be much better than everyone else here because I’m so loving and caring.
Monday 20th April
Hayley said she didn’t want to be my friend any more so now I’ve got no one. She just sent a text saying that I wasn’t cool enough so not to try to hang out with her when I go back to school. How am I ever supposed to go back now? Everyone thinks I’m a freak anyway and now I’ve got nobody.
Tuesday 21st April
Why do you make me stay up so late?
Why do you make me write all these rhymes,
Put my thoughts on to paper so many times?
How’s it going to help me?
What’s it going to do?
You think I’m suddenly going to become just like you?
Well here’s some words that I know will make you flinch,
That will keep you up at night with a horrible pinch:
I’m not going to miraculously lose all my hate,
My hate for mum, who put me in here,
My hate for Dad, who does nothing to stop it,
My hate for Hayley, who is no longer my friend,
My hate for my life,
My hate for my life,
My hate for my life,
Now give me that knife.
And still she does nothing! All she does is say that it is good that I’m getting my feelings out and that I should explore all my emotions. And she said that my mum is doing everything that she can for me and that I should try to understand what it’s been like for her as well. Well, she’s got Kevin, and she’s got Lily and Daisy, so she doesn’t need me as well. I don’t know why she gives me all the medicines to help me feel better. They’re not working anyway.
Wednesday 22nd April
Everyday hydro, physio, counselling, school, and I can still barely walk. The doctor said that I couldn’t stay and that they needed the bed. Mum was really cross with her. They said they were transferring me to a community psychiatrist and that I would still have to come in for hydrotherapy and physio a few times a week until I was better. Mum said that she couldn’t cope with me how I was. She doesn’t want me at home. I can’t believe my mum would rather me be in here than with her at home. I thought that she really loved me. Why am I here???
Thursday 23rd April
They’re going to keep me in until the community psychiatrist has seen me here, and that will be at least a week. I’ve got to go home for the weekend though. Mum says I can just stay at home though and I don’t have to go and see Dad at all. She thinks it will be too much for my stability to see him with everything else going on. Vicki said that I can keep in touch with her. She thinks that I should go and spend the weekend with my Dad, but she doesn’t realise that he doesn’t understand. She’s so rich and her daddy gives her everything. She said that she’d give me her old phone and that’s an iPhone 4! She just said that I needed to keep in touch with her and that I had to be careful with the phone and not let anyone else know about it. She’s so lovely and just makes everything feel much better. I wish I could be as happy and pretty as she is.
Friday 24th April
Vicki gave me her old phone and put loads of credit on it, and she made me promise not to tell anyone about it. I can’t believe I’ve got an iPhone! Hayley will be so jealous!
Mum will be picking me up in about an hour after she has had a meeting at work. She’s been missing work because she’s been here looking after me and now I think she’s in trouble but she says she would do anything for me. She said we can have a chippy tea and that it would be just us because the girls are with Dad. I don’t like fried food any more but I can’t tell her because she was really excited and I don’t want to upset her. I wish Lily and Daisy were there because then Mum wouldn’t notice that I wasn’t eating because she’d be too busy shouting at them. Mum said that I don’t have to go anywhere and we can just stay in and chill together so I don’t have to face seeing anyone or talking to anyone.
Saturday 25th April
Kevin wanted to go out for a meal with Mummy tonight but she wouldn’t go because I’m here and she didn’t want to leave me with anyone else. I heard them talking when I was upstairs in bed. He had arranged for Grandma Margret to come and look after me but Mummy said she was not going to leave me. They got married two years ago on Tuesday and I think Kevin had arranged something special. I thought everything was all going to be happy after the stress of the wedding but it’s hard work having three children. I don’t think I ever want to have children.
Vicki sent me messages today. She’s got to have a long operation on Monday so I probably won’t see her until at least Tuesday. She said she had spent the day doing a painting of a bowl of fruit and that she’d give it to me when she sees me next.
Sunday 26th April
Daddy came round today but Mummy said that I was asleep and needed my rest. I peeked out of the window and Daisy and Lily had wet hair so they must have just been swimming. I thought I was going back to the hospital today but Mummy said that she would bring me back in the morning and she said that she would come with me to hydro and physio so that she could see how I was doing. She said I may be better because she’s been putting extra creams on and not been letting me put any weight on my legs at all.
Monday 27th April
I had everything and now I have nothing. Everyone I love has gone. My life and my friends have gone. My smile and my laugh have gone. What has happened? Everything used to be so good. I used to be happy. My Mum and Dad used to be happy. I used to run around and play. I used to have fun with friends at school. And now I’m alone. Now I’m here and all alone. Just the curtain around me and no one to hear my tears. No one to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. Just people telling me what to do, to get on, to pull myself together, to be positive, to be happy. People just saying words but no one actually helping me. No one taking the time to listen to me or to understand me. Everyone thinks they know what is best, but they don’t know how I actually feel. No one really knows anything. There is only me, and no one else.
Tuesday 28th April
Mummy and Kevin sitting in a tree,
K I S S I N G.
First came love, then came marriage,
Then I was dumped under the wedding carriage.
I’m never going to get married. What’s the point anyway? Everything was supposed to be good after they got married. It was such a stress at the time and all happened so quickly but I thought it would be okay afterwards. But they still argue, and Mum still gets upset and cries and shouts. I just wish she could be happy. I do everything that I can but nothing seems to help. All I want is for her to be happy.
Kate talked rubbish as usual today. She said that all marriages have problems, and just because Mum and Dad got divorced doesn’t mean it will happen again with Kevin. She always treats me as if I’m a stupid baby who doesn’t understand anything. I hope Mum doesn’t get divorced though. At least Kevin helps when Mum gets upset, not like it was before she met him. I don’t think they are happy though. Mum was here with the girls until late, and she said that it didn’t matter because Kevin was busy at work. He never was when they were first together. Lily was really quiet today. I don’t know why and she wouldn’t say anything. She’s never quiet like this.
Wednesday 29th April
Vicki was back in school today, which was really nice. We sat together and painted most of the afternoon, and she taught me how to draw a cat, although mine wasn’t very good. It was supposed to look like Polly, but it looked more like a cow or something. I miss Polly. She’s the one thing that is always there, even if she likes to bite me. Vicki said the doctors had told her that her operation had gone well, but they won’t really know for a while until they get more tests back. I hope she is okay. She’s so nice. I think she was disappointed when I said that I didn’t even see my dad at all at the weekend, but she didn’t have a go at me at all. I wish I could just see him and not have to worry about what it will be like afterwards.
Thursday 30th April
Dad wants me and the girls to go on holiday with him to see Alexis in California. He says I just need to get myself better and start spending time with him again and then it can all happen. Like I’m pretending that I feel like this and that I’m just making up that my legs hurt so much! He just thinks I’m doing it for attention but I’m really not and he never listens and he just thinks it’s all my mum’s fault but she’s the only one that really cares how I feel. He just says I need to be positive and be happy for all the great things in my life. Just because he’s always off having fun rather than looking after us doesn’t mean that everything is great. Why does it have to be so difficult and complicated? Why can’t everyone just be happy? Daddy will be really cross if I don’t go and it would be so cool to go to America, but I can’t be away from Mummy for two weeks. It’s too far and I won’t be able to just speak to her and I’d have no one to help me sleep or make sure that everything is okay. I can’t do just a night here without her so how could I do two weeks? And Mummy will hate us being so far away. We’ve never been away from her for more than a week before and we’ve never been in a different country from her. What if something happens and we need her and we’re the other side of the world? She said it would be really exciting but that it’s up to me and no one will force me to do anything and that I can stay with her instead. She said she’d miss me so much because I’m her best friend as well as her daughter and that she’d get more time off work so we could just be together and that she’d love that. But then Dad would be really upset if I don’t go and everyone at school would be dead jealous that I was going to California. What should I do? I can’t think and I don’t know how to make everything right and I can’t sleep and my legs hurt more than ever and it’s all just horrible. I hate this.