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To my wonderful Rose,

I’m sorry that you’re hurting so badly at the moment. It breaks my heart that you’re feeling like this.

I know things have been really tough for you this last year or so, and you’ve had so many tests and checks already, but you will get better again. All of this pain and sadness will just fall back into history and everything will become amazing for you. It must be immensely scary having to go and stay at the hospital, but this could be a really good thing for you. The doctors will have a proper opportunity to see what is happening and to observe how you are, and hopefully they will then be able to understand what is wrong and help you to feel well again. Just be completely honest with them and they will be able to help. Be brave and be positive.

I can’t wait to see you back smiling again. I know you think I don’t care about you anymore because I haven’t moved close to where you live with your mum, but my life isn’t there, and neither is my job. You and your sisters make me happy, but I need other things in my life as well. That doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. I hope that you can understand this someday. 

Life is good, Rose. I know you can’t see it at the moment, but there is nothing that you can’t do if you decide to put your mind to it. I so hope you can start seeing all the great things that there are in your life and that you can be happy again. You have both me and your mum that only want the best for you, and your sisters want to have you back being well and happy. You’re a great big sister and they are very lucky to have you. And I really can’t wait for you to get to know Alexis more. She’s a wonderful person and I think that you’ll like her a lot, and we can do so many great things all together. 

Alexis and I found this journal whilst I was out visiting her in San Francisco. I thought you might like to write down some of your thoughts and feelings in it. When I was at school I sometimes wrote poems to help get my worries and emotions out of my head, but you can write anything you like in it. Just do whatever feels right for you.

Just remember, Rose, this is your life and you don’t get another chance to live it. I love you so much. I loved you from the moment you were born, and I’ll love you until the day that I die. You’re special, you’re wonderful. 

Dad xox 

author

Alexander Tor